雅思写作是许多考生最头疼的部分,不仅要求语言准确，还需要逻辑清晰、论证充分，为了帮助考生更好地理解评分标准，本文展示一篇真实的雅思作文批改案例，详细分析优缺点，并提供改进建议。
学生作文原文（Task 2）
** Some people believe that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, think that this would have little effect and other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
学生作文：
Nowadays, public health is a big problem in many countries. Some people say building more sports facilities can help, but others disagree. I think both ways are important.
First, sports facilities like gyms and swimming pools can make people exercise more. If people exercise, they will be healthier. For example, in my city, a new park was built last year, and many people go there to run or do yoga. This shows that good facilities encourage exercise.
However, some people think this is not enough. They say many people are too busy to use sports facilities. Also, unhealthy food is a bigger problem. If people eat fast food every day, even if they exercise, they may still get sick.
In conclusion, I believe we need both sports facilities and better food education to improve public health.
雅思作文批改分析
任务回应（Task Achievement）
这篇作文基本涵盖了题目要求,讨论了两种观点并给出了个人立场，但存在以下问题：
- 观点不够深入：虽然提到了运动和饮食的影响，但缺乏具体数据或权威研究支持。
- 结论过于简单：最后一句只是重复前文，没有进一步拓展。
改进建议：
- 增加具体例子或统计数据,如“世界卫生组织建议每周至少150分钟中等强度运动，但仅有30%的成年人达标。”
- 在结论部分提出更具体的解决方案,如“政府应投资公共运动场所，同时加强对食品广告的监管。”
连贯与衔接（Coherence and Cohesion）
文章结构清晰,但衔接词使用较少，段落之间过渡生硬。
改进建议：
- 使用更多连接词,如“On the one hand... On the other hand...”“Furthermore...”“In contrast...”
- 第二段开头可改为：“Proponents of sports facilities argue that accessible gyms and parks motivate individuals to adopt active lifestyles.”
词汇丰富度（Lexical Resource）
用词较为基础,重复使用“problem”“people”等词汇，缺乏多样性。
改进建议：
- 替换简单词汇,如“big problem”改为“significant challenge”，“people”改为“individuals”或“the public”。
- 增加学术词汇,如“sedentary lifestyle”“nutritional awareness”“preventive healthcare”。
语法准确性（Grammatical Range and Accuracy）
语法错误较少,但句式单一，多为简单句。
改进建议：
- 使用复合句,如“While sports facilities promote physical activity, their impact may be limited without addressing dietary habits.”
- 避免“I think”等口语化表达，改为“It is argued that...”
优化后的高分范文
** Some people believe that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, think that this would have little effect and other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
优化范文：
Public health has become a pressing issue globally, sparking debates on the most effective solutions. While some advocate for expanding sports infrastructure to encourage physical activity, others contend that comprehensive strategies targeting lifestyle factors are essential. This essay will examine both perspectives before presenting a balanced viewpoint.
On the one hand, proponents of sports facilities emphasize their role in fostering active communities. Accessible gyms, swimming pools, and recreational parks lower barriers to exercise, particularly in urban areas where sedentary lifestyles prevail. For instance, a study by the British Medical Journal revealed that neighborhoods with adequate sports amenities reported 23% higher fitness participation rates. Moreover, public spaces like parks serve as social hubs, indirectly promoting mental wellbeing through community engagement.
Conversely, critics argue that infrastructure alone cannot address multifaceted health challenges. The World Health Organization identifies poor diet as the leading risk factor for chronic diseases, surpassing physical inactivity. In nations where fast food chains dominate urban landscapes, merely providing gyms may yield minimal impact. Japan’s approach exemplifies this: alongside promoting sports, the government enforces strict food labeling laws and school nutrition programs, contributing to the world’s highest life expectancy.
In my assessment, an integrated approach is paramount. Governments should allocate funds to develop sports centers while simultaneously regulating junk food marketing and subsidizing healthy produce. Educational campaigns could also bridge the gap—for example, Australia’s “Move More, Eat Well” initiative combines exercise guidelines with dietary advice, demonstrating measurable success in obesity reduction.
批改总结对比
通过对比原文与优化范文,可以看出高分作文的特点：
- 学术化表达：避免口语化词汇，使用专业术语。
- 权威支持：引用研究数据或国际组织观点增强说服力。
- 逻辑严密：每个论点有明确证据，段落间自然过渡。
考生在练习时应注重：
- 多阅读官方报告（如WHO数据）积累素材；
- 模仿高分范文的句式结构；
- 限时写作后反复修改,重点关注衔接与词汇升级。
雅思写作提升没有捷径,但通过针对性训练和精细批改，完全可以在短期内突破瓶颈，建议考生每周分析一篇范文，逐步培养严谨的学术写作思维。
